INSULT read more...
With arms outstretched but not taut, the wrists were nailed to the patibulum. It has been shown that the ligaments and bones of the wrist can support the weight of a body hanging from them, but the palms cannot. 1:1 It was awful. I arrived from college one evening and my mother was crying on the sofa. Concerned, I approached her, but she pushed me away with her arm. She said, “I do not want to talk to you”. I went to my room and immediately saw that my diary was open on my desk… 1:2 I wanted to be between the paint and the wall because I wanted to be invisible. I wanted to be invisible in hallways, in shopping malls – to be invisible everywhere because I was triggering this violence. 1:3 I was immediately degraded and no one wanted to hear any of this. For them, it was final: I was the bad one, the one on the wrong path. They were the righteous ones… 1:4 I had seen my mother on her deathbed and she said she forgave me and that she was hoping for my cure – as if it was me who had to be forgiven for something and not her. When she died, I wrote a letter and placed a copy in her grave. I wrote that I forgave her and that I had missed her a lot. That, instead of holding me in her arms when I needed it, she had rejected me. The weight of the body, pulling down on the outstretched arms and shoulders, would tend to fix the intercostal muscles in an inhalation state and thereby hinder passive exhalation. Accordingly, exhalation was primarily diaphragmatic, and breathing was shallow. 2:1 At home, image was of great importance. In front of people, nothing was to show. I was to pretend… I was no longer able to do this, and I revolted against my father. I had to get out of there. I even invented the lie that he had raped me, to make sure that someone else would take care of me. 2:2 I was experiencing one depression on top of other depressions, one suicide attempt on top of others. I could not stay there anymore. Communication was non-existent; it was like living on two different planets. In the end, living there was like living in hell. 2:3 I was a big monster, social garbage. If religion had not been there, I would have maybe not tried to kill myself. It was super oppressing, that idea of sin, abnormality, and blame, with everyone around me believing it. 2:4 I was a monster, someone who should not exist: human garbage. Most commonly, the feet were fixed to the front of the stipes by means of an iron spike driven through the first or second intermetatarsal space, just distal to the tarsometatarsal joint. It is likely that the deep peroneal nerve and branches of the medial and lateral plantar nerves would have been injured by nails. 3:2 The first time a masturbated on a child was when I was babysitting the daughter of one of my brothers. She must have been about two or three. I took off her diaper and rubbed my penis against her private parts. I didn’t want to penetrate her, just to feel her next to me. I did it again a few more times before I began to be afraid of what I might do. I stopped. I realised I wasn’t normal. To put it out of my mind I used to drink. I was taking pills, taking drugs. Perhaps it was the softness of the baby that attracted me to her. Still today, with women, I never feel completely satisfied sexually. Its children who excite me the most, although I don’t want to touch them, anymore. 3:3 Children are very mean. I don’t remember their words anymore, but most of it was non-verbal. When I would approach others, they would move away. In winter when I would try to climb on a large pile of snow, they would push me down in a way that also told me that I was not wanted there. It was all very cruel. When it was time to be on a team, I was the last one picked. In fact, I was never chosen. 3:4 As time went on, I began to find it degrading, dirty, kind of. But if I had to do it over, I would. Adequate exhalation required lifting the body by pushing up on the feet and by flexing the elbows and adducting the shoulders. However, this maneuver would place the entire weight of the body on the tarsals and would produce searing pain. Furthermore, flexion of the elbows would cause rotation of the wrists about the iron nails and cause fiery pain along the damaged median nerves. 4:1 I couldn’t take feeling so awful about myself, being thought of as a garbage can, human trash, a nothing, a nobody. 4:2 I had given everything I had, and I was tired of living. I abused alcohol, and it was the same with sex. I was feeling alone, even if people were around me. I could not see a light at the end of the tunnel and I therefore put everything in order for my great departure. 4:3 I experienced something like a nightmare. I saw my parents dealing with my death and decided that I could not do this to them. From that point on, I would not be choosing death as a solution to my problems. 4:4 To all who love me and to the ones who did not love me. I am sick of this shit of a life. Sick to the point of wanting to puke!!!
